Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Acting on Impulse
Someone once shared with me the difference between being intuitive and being impulsive. Intuition comes from a place of wisdom and grounded-ness (is that a word?), whereas impulse tends to be associated with instability. Acting upon either can be an on-the-spot choice, so the time taken from thought to action is not necessarily a factor in differentiating the two. To me, it is the energy surrounding the choice that must be most closely observed. If the energy is fearful, jumpy and overly attached, that is a red-flag for impulse, and one perhaps should press the "pause" button on the action and ask the simple question "what is this?" The other, is a calm, present choice, which is less attached to the outcome. Obviously, one can hold great negative repercussions, yet the other is merely a participation in the flow of life. Intuition is saying yes to yourself and life, and impulse can be running away from it.
Today, I dyed my hair on a whim, and cut it as well. A dark brown with an asymmetrical fringe was the image I had in store for myself, so I went to my nearest Whole Foods and picked up some natural hair dye and got started. I'm pleased with my results, and I had fun doing it. So it was a successful impulse. Or instinct? I knew I needed to do it, and I was perfectly okay if it turned out less than stellar, so I'm going to bestow the intuition label on today's adventure. I had wanted to cut my own hair for awhile, just to see if I could, and on my color journey, I'd been blonde, blonde with vibrant red, blonde with brown, dark red, and had been itching for the brunette version of me to get a chance to shine. I had a little hair adventure, and took a little chance.
Another quick decision I made today was to record a short video of me singing and put it on YouTube. A few days ago, I watched this lovely independent film called "Room in Rome"-about two women from opposite ends of Europe who meet as strangers in Rome and become lovers for an evening. There is a song that weaves throughout the film, called "Loving Strangers" by Russian Red (a band that I've subsequently become enthralled with), which is enchanting. I created a quicker ukulele version, and sang it to myself, and made a quick photobooth recording...which I then decided to post on my YouTube channel.
I did it quickly, without too much consideration.
Why?
Because I'm a perfectionist, and am not a spectacular singer or musician. I'm mediocre, but love music. Ever since I was a teenager, I've feared public singing, and have found myself short of breath and unable to perform in most public settings. When I've tried, most of the time I'm so nervous that I certainly don't do myself justice. Today, I didn't post the video because I thought I was amazing, I posted because I shouldn't have to wait until I'm perfect to do things that I want to do.
This is a mantra for me, and a lesson I've struggled to learn in life. I don't have to be ten pounds thinner to wear the shorts I want to wear, or to go to that party with those people I like. Nobody cares if I'm perfect-because I'm not supposed to be a professional singer. I'm just a girl who likes to play around with various art forms, and enjoys sharing that play with others, to inspire and encourage them to let their guards down, too.
When I am okay with myself as I am, own whatever I am, then I not only make myself comfortable, I put others at ease, too. That's what today was really about. So what may, on the surface, seem like an impulse that I may later regret, actually comes from a place of consideration, and a deeper sense of connection. Most of all, it is a statement of freedom, a declaration that if I can do these things that feel a little unorthodox, messy, fun, and vibrant, you can too.
Participation in life breeds more of it. When we watch people let go, and live fully, we too, feel that sense of permission to do the same.
Today, I dyed my hair on a whim, and cut it as well. A dark brown with an asymmetrical fringe was the image I had in store for myself, so I went to my nearest Whole Foods and picked up some natural hair dye and got started. I'm pleased with my results, and I had fun doing it. So it was a successful impulse. Or instinct? I knew I needed to do it, and I was perfectly okay if it turned out less than stellar, so I'm going to bestow the intuition label on today's adventure. I had wanted to cut my own hair for awhile, just to see if I could, and on my color journey, I'd been blonde, blonde with vibrant red, blonde with brown, dark red, and had been itching for the brunette version of me to get a chance to shine. I had a little hair adventure, and took a little chance.
Another quick decision I made today was to record a short video of me singing and put it on YouTube. A few days ago, I watched this lovely independent film called "Room in Rome"-about two women from opposite ends of Europe who meet as strangers in Rome and become lovers for an evening. There is a song that weaves throughout the film, called "Loving Strangers" by Russian Red (a band that I've subsequently become enthralled with), which is enchanting. I created a quicker ukulele version, and sang it to myself, and made a quick photobooth recording...which I then decided to post on my YouTube channel.
I did it quickly, without too much consideration.
Why?
Because I'm a perfectionist, and am not a spectacular singer or musician. I'm mediocre, but love music. Ever since I was a teenager, I've feared public singing, and have found myself short of breath and unable to perform in most public settings. When I've tried, most of the time I'm so nervous that I certainly don't do myself justice. Today, I didn't post the video because I thought I was amazing, I posted because I shouldn't have to wait until I'm perfect to do things that I want to do.
This is a mantra for me, and a lesson I've struggled to learn in life. I don't have to be ten pounds thinner to wear the shorts I want to wear, or to go to that party with those people I like. Nobody cares if I'm perfect-because I'm not supposed to be a professional singer. I'm just a girl who likes to play around with various art forms, and enjoys sharing that play with others, to inspire and encourage them to let their guards down, too.
When I am okay with myself as I am, own whatever I am, then I not only make myself comfortable, I put others at ease, too. That's what today was really about. So what may, on the surface, seem like an impulse that I may later regret, actually comes from a place of consideration, and a deeper sense of connection. Most of all, it is a statement of freedom, a declaration that if I can do these things that feel a little unorthodox, messy, fun, and vibrant, you can too.
Participation in life breeds more of it. When we watch people let go, and live fully, we too, feel that sense of permission to do the same.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Check-In
Just a quick update on the week thus far, succeeding my intention of the previous post.
This week has been really lovely. It's been speckled with social stuff, a pub here and there with some workmates and a rendezvous with some old high school best friends. I've worked every day at the coffee shop, which has been high energy and fun. I've cooked well (chompin' on some curry now) and made room for some movement (some dance and a long, cathartic run). Physically and emotionally, I feel good.
And it's all because I decided a few days ago that if I'm going to be in an awkward situation in life, I may as well make it as good as I can. Not just so that when circumstances change, I'll feel good enough to take advantage of the positive swing, but also because I may find a positive surprise in this phase if I'm looking for it.
Day one wasn't easy, because it felt as if I was lying to myself (I'm not really the "personal cheerleader" type), but my energy swiftly followed into the positive. Moods tend to gather momentum easily in either direction; it's the stopping and turning them around that takes effort.
This week has been good. I'm glad to document it, because it can serve as a reminder. If life sucks, choose to keep participating in it, and allow for the possibility of good to coexist with the uncomfortable, because it can.
Peace, dudes.
This week has been really lovely. It's been speckled with social stuff, a pub here and there with some workmates and a rendezvous with some old high school best friends. I've worked every day at the coffee shop, which has been high energy and fun. I've cooked well (chompin' on some curry now) and made room for some movement (some dance and a long, cathartic run). Physically and emotionally, I feel good.
And it's all because I decided a few days ago that if I'm going to be in an awkward situation in life, I may as well make it as good as I can. Not just so that when circumstances change, I'll feel good enough to take advantage of the positive swing, but also because I may find a positive surprise in this phase if I'm looking for it.
Day one wasn't easy, because it felt as if I was lying to myself (I'm not really the "personal cheerleader" type), but my energy swiftly followed into the positive. Moods tend to gather momentum easily in either direction; it's the stopping and turning them around that takes effort.
This week has been good. I'm glad to document it, because it can serve as a reminder. If life sucks, choose to keep participating in it, and allow for the possibility of good to coexist with the uncomfortable, because it can.
Peace, dudes.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
When It Hurts
Right now, I'm in an uncomfortable place. I won't go into details, but each day, I must wake up to circumstances that aren't in any way my ideal. In fact, if I'm honest, I feel as if my life has suffered an earthquake.
Now, my tasks are to accept the circumstances and rebuild. I suppose there's no coincidence that Phoenixes are drawing my attention as of late.
Even though I'm searching for the positive, I cannot deny the pain. The sorrow and the struggle are real. Denying that isn't helpful; healing can only fully occur when the feelings about tough situations are processed. However, there is an interesting dynamic between acceptance and indulgence. There's a fine line between allowing myself to feel the sorrow, and becoming entangled and crippled by it. Often, when I'm weighed down by the sorrow, I neglect my self-care. It becomes a vicious cycle.
To my understanding, all people have one or multiple times in their lives like this. It's a comfort to know that I am simply having a human experience, and I'm trying to gain perspective from it and grow. Sometimes, our hardships induct us into this "I'm alive" club, where we can participate more fully in communities and relationships because we understand more personally the nature of suffering. But that's the epilogue, that's the final result of living a tragedy, not the experience of it. What of the present moment? What of living during our hardships?
In the past, I was the type of person who couldn't tolerate being uncomfortable. Any uncertainty or unpleasantness was something avoided, numbed, put aside. Of course, without the full experience of the negative, there's an equally muted experience of the positive. It's a death-trap. Or if that's too dramatic for you, it's a not-as-alive-as-possible trap.
Today, I have more awareness. I will allow myself to tolerate and hold the feelings. Sometimes, I am proud of my ability to navigate difficult emotions gracefully, but now that life has unexpectedly turned a corner, I am reminded of the person who wants to avoid the crap stuff and get to the good stuff. Except that I know it doesn't work that way.
So, I pose a challenge to myself, and anyone else who reads this post. Tomorrow, my circumstances won't be different, but my focus can be. I can wake up, and my first thought can be how hard it will be to wade through all of these obstacles, or I can choose to find something, anything, life-affirming.
Setting an intention can be trite, but hey, if it works, it works. Tomorrow, I will do something kind for myself. Most likely, the kindness won't bring a sensation of elation or extreme vitality, but it may bring some relief. What I need to remember is that this won't last forever, and if I can hold steady and take care of myself in the process, I will have done all that I really need to do.
And that goes for you, too! Get through it, take care of yourself, tolerate it, and it will pass. All trying times pass, if you do what you need to do during them. Even when what we need to do gives us no temporary relief.
Now, my tasks are to accept the circumstances and rebuild. I suppose there's no coincidence that Phoenixes are drawing my attention as of late.
Even though I'm searching for the positive, I cannot deny the pain. The sorrow and the struggle are real. Denying that isn't helpful; healing can only fully occur when the feelings about tough situations are processed. However, there is an interesting dynamic between acceptance and indulgence. There's a fine line between allowing myself to feel the sorrow, and becoming entangled and crippled by it. Often, when I'm weighed down by the sorrow, I neglect my self-care. It becomes a vicious cycle.
To my understanding, all people have one or multiple times in their lives like this. It's a comfort to know that I am simply having a human experience, and I'm trying to gain perspective from it and grow. Sometimes, our hardships induct us into this "I'm alive" club, where we can participate more fully in communities and relationships because we understand more personally the nature of suffering. But that's the epilogue, that's the final result of living a tragedy, not the experience of it. What of the present moment? What of living during our hardships?
In the past, I was the type of person who couldn't tolerate being uncomfortable. Any uncertainty or unpleasantness was something avoided, numbed, put aside. Of course, without the full experience of the negative, there's an equally muted experience of the positive. It's a death-trap. Or if that's too dramatic for you, it's a not-as-alive-as-possible trap.
Today, I have more awareness. I will allow myself to tolerate and hold the feelings. Sometimes, I am proud of my ability to navigate difficult emotions gracefully, but now that life has unexpectedly turned a corner, I am reminded of the person who wants to avoid the crap stuff and get to the good stuff. Except that I know it doesn't work that way.
So, I pose a challenge to myself, and anyone else who reads this post. Tomorrow, my circumstances won't be different, but my focus can be. I can wake up, and my first thought can be how hard it will be to wade through all of these obstacles, or I can choose to find something, anything, life-affirming.
Setting an intention can be trite, but hey, if it works, it works. Tomorrow, I will do something kind for myself. Most likely, the kindness won't bring a sensation of elation or extreme vitality, but it may bring some relief. What I need to remember is that this won't last forever, and if I can hold steady and take care of myself in the process, I will have done all that I really need to do.
And that goes for you, too! Get through it, take care of yourself, tolerate it, and it will pass. All trying times pass, if you do what you need to do during them. Even when what we need to do gives us no temporary relief.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Inaugural Video!
The start of my new YouTube journey, documenting this transition phase in which I find myself. Life can be very uncomfortable, and sometimes each of us must find a way to make something positive. Perhaps this blog/vlog combo will be just that!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Inauguration.
For someone who thinks incessantly, already journals (in the proper way, on paper and in her own handwriting) and has several ongoing correspondences to communicate and share her thoughts and experiences, this blog would seem, at first glance, to be just another link in the chain.
Why create a blog, if there is no apparent use for one?
Previously, I haven't placed much forethought into my blogs. They functioned as forums to purge thoughts and emotions, to vent, to bounce off ideas to anyone who had a moment to skim my words. Most likely, this will also be the lot of this blog. However, I plan on slowing down a bit with my posts, not simply rattling off stream-of-consciousness rants and publishing them without a second glance or edit. Though I still plan on being a bit off-the-cuff (I know no other way to be, really), I'll enjoy being a more deliberate version of it.
At this juncture in my life, I have an urge to document my journey. Unlike other forums, like Facebook, Twitter or Tumblr, I can use Blogger to be as anonymous as I like. Therefore, I can be as candid as I like.
It has always been my intention to be an open person, to share my experiences. This serves me, but I think the symbiotic nature of life is that when one creature acts naturally and in it's best interest, it can positively influence another. Perhaps my words and ideas can shed some light to someone else.
So that's the goal. Simple, I think. No great expectations are placed on the blog. I have no aspirations for it to be anything but a forum for me to talk and write a bit, with hope that perhaps a person will wander upon my site and glean something positive from it.
Before I take my leave, I will give a brief background on my URL and title. My URL, Space and Ownership, refers to an intention I once set for myself in a very tight-knit support group that I attended regularly over the span of a year and a half. "I will create space for myself to take ownership of myself." I suppose a blog is a good way to do that. I'll explain the support group later.
The title, Into One's Own, is adjacent to the URL. This blog is documenting what I know to be a very important phase for self-growth. I can feel that right now is, at the risk of being cliche, my coming of age. Never have I been so acutely aware of my own process of maturation. It's really something.
I bid you adieu, my internet nook.
Perhaps we'll create something special together.
I leave you with a song. Fitting, if I do say so myself.
Why create a blog, if there is no apparent use for one?
Previously, I haven't placed much forethought into my blogs. They functioned as forums to purge thoughts and emotions, to vent, to bounce off ideas to anyone who had a moment to skim my words. Most likely, this will also be the lot of this blog. However, I plan on slowing down a bit with my posts, not simply rattling off stream-of-consciousness rants and publishing them without a second glance or edit. Though I still plan on being a bit off-the-cuff (I know no other way to be, really), I'll enjoy being a more deliberate version of it.
At this juncture in my life, I have an urge to document my journey. Unlike other forums, like Facebook, Twitter or Tumblr, I can use Blogger to be as anonymous as I like. Therefore, I can be as candid as I like.
It has always been my intention to be an open person, to share my experiences. This serves me, but I think the symbiotic nature of life is that when one creature acts naturally and in it's best interest, it can positively influence another. Perhaps my words and ideas can shed some light to someone else.
So that's the goal. Simple, I think. No great expectations are placed on the blog. I have no aspirations for it to be anything but a forum for me to talk and write a bit, with hope that perhaps a person will wander upon my site and glean something positive from it.
Before I take my leave, I will give a brief background on my URL and title. My URL, Space and Ownership, refers to an intention I once set for myself in a very tight-knit support group that I attended regularly over the span of a year and a half. "I will create space for myself to take ownership of myself." I suppose a blog is a good way to do that. I'll explain the support group later.
The title, Into One's Own, is adjacent to the URL. This blog is documenting what I know to be a very important phase for self-growth. I can feel that right now is, at the risk of being cliche, my coming of age. Never have I been so acutely aware of my own process of maturation. It's really something.
I bid you adieu, my internet nook.
Perhaps we'll create something special together.
I leave you with a song. Fitting, if I do say so myself.
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